Why Is It Usually the Boys?

As someone who works every day with women and children who have suffered at the hands of men, I know that avoiding gender in these conversations does a grave injustice. Indeed, now as a first time mum, I'm finding that even with children, people attempt to erase gender when speaking about negative behaviours. The reality is, when we’re out in public, it is usually the boys who are rough, who push past, who touch without asking. Why?

Here are some dynamics worth naming:

1. Roughness is excused in boys.

Boys are often given more leeway to be physical. “Boys will be boys” buys them space to shove, jostle, or touch in ways that girls would be corrected for immediately. Girls, on the other hand, are often nudged toward compliance and restraint.

2. Attachment differences.

Mothers are often culturally encouraged to stay more physically and emotionally close to daughters for longer. Baby boys, on the other hand, may be nudged toward independence sooner (less holding, less soothing, more “toughen up”), experiencing a kind of premature detachment from their primary caregiver, and training his nervous system to seek stimulation or contact more forcefully. In my work, I have also heard multiple times from mothers that their husbands cannot tolerate seeing their baby sons get affection from them and try to sabotage the mother-child bond.

3. Toy and media priming.

From dinosaurs and monster trucks to superheroes and “fighting games,” boys are flooded with themes of power, smashing, and conquest far earlier than they can process them. None of this is necessary for a young child’s healthy development — and it often drowns out gentler, cooperative forms of play.

4. Early combat sports.

Hoping to “get their energy out,” parents often put boys into fighting sports too young. These activities can be wonderful when paired with maturity, but introduced prematurely, they reinforce the idea that a boy’s body exists mainly for competition and dominance. And if their sons are not enrolled, then a screen is often introduced at a dangerously early age to quell their "restlessness".

5. Lower expectations for emotional literacy.

Adults tend to talk more about feelings with girls than with boys. A girl might hear, “You look sad, what’s wrong.” A boy might hear, “it's ok!" Over time, boys are left with fewer tools for empathy and communication, and their bodies become their main way of expressing themselves.

🌱 The bottom line: Boys are not “naturally rougher.” They are socialized into roughness, while being under-socialized in empathy, boundaries, and care.

What does this mean for parents?

Well, if we want safer public spaces and ultimately, safer relationships. we need to start earlier, questioning what we normalize for our sons: the toys, the sports, the screens, the expectations, and the silences. We may also consider adapting to the needs of our sons by bringing them out to nature more often. Not curated gardens, real nature, where boys can engage in actual risk-taking behaviour and physical play, which can dramatically improve physical and emotional self and other awareness.

And what might this mean for women in the dating pool?

When roughness, entitlement to space, or lack of empathy isn’t corrected in boyhood, it doesn’t simply “go away.” It grows up.

A boy who learns that pushing past others is tolerated may become a man who doesn’t notice when he’s taking up too much space in a conversation or a relationship.

A boy who learns that his impulses are excused may become a man who struggles with accountability when his actions hurt someone.

A boy who never practices emotional literacy may become a man who is charming on the surface but unable to engage in real vulnerability, leaving women carrying the emotional weight of the relationship.

For women in the dating pool, this means:

Many of the patterns you’re experiencing with men aren’t “random bad luck.” They’re the product of early socialization.

Recognizing these roots can help you separate your worth from their lack of skill.

Most importantly: you are not “too much” for wanting empathy, respect, and awareness, you are simply asking for what should have been taught to boys from the beginning.